Tag Archives: visual auras

The Darkness in my Vision

9 Jul

On the edges of my vision there’s a shimmer.

A flash of color.

A vagueness.

A hint of the darkness to come.

I’ve learned that if I keep my eyes forward, it is somehow light enough to ignore. But if I look around, it roars out at me as a lion upon its prey. The strength of its presence causes my whole body to react. My head starts a low pounding, my stomach clenches and my knees feel weak. If left at it’s height, it will take over every part of me, leaving me writhing in pain and fear.

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Photo by Sebastian Muller on Unsplash

So I take the easy path. I fix my eyes straight ahead and breathe deeply. I push it back down. And try not to imagine the colors – the rainbow of them arching out from the center that is a blinding white. I try not to think of the blurriness that makes everything around that color, ‘other’. Something other than what it is. Something that no longer makes sense, as if it’s from another time or place. Something that leaves it’s edges behind with every blink of my eyes.

As my breathing deepens and the shimmer lessens, I forget about the urgency of doing more to avoid it returning and blithely go about my day.  The lion has been tamed and the prey has been rescued.

For the moment, at least.

Once again, another head turn, a glance too fast for my eyes to adjust and there it is again. But this time, the shimmer is brighter. Bigger. And somehow, darker. The colors have turned deeper shades of themselves, the blinding white has taken on a ferocious tint. As my head pounds again and my joints turn to mush, I remember with clarity that this has happened already today.  My hands will shake if I let them, from the fear that is dogging me now, but I harden my will and do what I have to do to avoid the nightmare that just might come anyway.

The darkness is like the lion in the show – the audience blissfully believes it to be tamed and so will draw nearer it than they should. But the trainer knows that it’s only biding its time until it can strike when the trainer has turned his back and let down his guard.

The darkness is coming.

~This is a description of the visual auras that I’ve been getting off and on the past 14 years. The nightmare that comes after this, is a complete loss of vision in my left eye for about half an hour and then such a vicious migriane (I’ve taken to calling them nuclear migraines) that I’m left crying, laying with an ice pack on my face and if I do have to move, I end up crying even more. These are the ones that make me wonder if I will live through it; they make me wonder if there will ever even be an end to the pain. So there’s good reason to avoid these as much as possible. Of course, sometimes, no matter what you do, they come anyway. 

~Laura

Mar/Apr Health Update

19 Apr

Well, this has been waiting for me to finish it for about a week now. My ability to focus has been really quite terrible lately, you guys. It’s a subtle thing though. Since I’m completely in control of my schedule, I can flit around to different things without realizing just how quickly I move on to something new… But, to move on to more exciting news, I’m doing some better! Read on!

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Overall Health:  I would say that while I’ve had some low lows, I’ve done pretty well this past month-odd. Daily, noticeable pain and fatigue but not everyday has been debilitating. I keep seeing more glimpses of ‘me’ in the mirror – you know, when I’m not asleep or laying on an ice pack.

Migraine:  Only one visual aura and nuclear migraine this time around (and that while on vacation of course). I attempted going off clonidine for a few days but that didn’t work as well as I thought it would. I’m still trying to get the edge off the pain.

Sleep:  I’m getting about 8 hours with 2 or 3 wakings in the night. Most nights I am completely exhausted but have to wait til I can get the pain down to a decent level to go to bed. OR I’ve taken such a long nap during the day that I’m just not tired enough at a reasonable hour. Eesh.

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Feeling like half of myself that morning

Memory/Brain Fog:  Brain fog has stayed around, sadly. It’s kept my ability to focus on things at a minimum.

Vision: I only had one visual aura! The beginning of March I did have a strange… quality to my vision at times but that has since gone away.

TMJ:  It pops only occasionally now but still aches so much that my teeth hurt daily. The front of my neck has started hurting again as well. I really need to get in to my bodywork doctor soon.

Fatigue: sadly, this has stayed strong. Naps are pretty frequent, ranging from twenty minutes to three hours. Eesh. Mostly though, if I space my activities out, I do pretty well. I have gotten back on the liver, daily, and it is definitely helping.

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Fibromyalgia:  It’s decreased slightly. My left calf is still tense/self flexing throughout the day and occasional cramping in my feet. Most of the time I can kind of ignore it, although when it settles into my knees like it likes to do, it’s harder to ignore (like right now)

Weight Loss: Oy. I was losing steadily and slowly and now it’s just to the point where I’m hoping I can start working out again so I don’t end up at the weight I was when I first started losing a year ago. Augh. < this is the same as last month! Oy.

Mood: Well, this has evened out again – without the use of Xiao Chai Hu Tang.

Digestion:  Much improved. I’ve even increased the amount of vitamins/supplements I take and my stomach is still doing fine. I’m so relieved.

Since I wrote the above, I’ve been in to see my main doctor. It was a good appointment, and as she’d been studying Lyme again lately, she was excited about what she’d learned. Due to that, she’s had me start doxycycline and I’ve got to get to Costco to get my prescription of  Armor thyroid to start as well. I don’t believe I’ve ever taken an antibiotic before (?) so any advice that you may have, I would love to hear them. At the top of the notes she printed out for me, she wrote “Laura, you are doing great! Things will go perfect.”  Which is more encouraging than the normal version of ‘we can figure this out’ don’t you think?

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a quick selfie while on vacation

*I’ve been on the doxy for a few days, and without knowing if how I’ve been doing is related to that or not… I need to document it. I started it the 15th of april, and took a detox bath that afternoon – and had a terrible reaction to the bath. I was weak and my heart was pounding and as the day continued, my head got worse and the aching increased. And I was SO hungry in the evening. Eesh. The next day I was better but again, crazy hungry in the evening. The morning of the 18th, a terrrible, horrible, no good cramp in my left calf woke me up. I could feel my right calf cramping up as well. It went on forever (I really have no idea in reality…) before it eased.

I plan on looking up the info she was sharing with me and then I’ll pass it along to you!

~Laura

 

 

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