the start of a good life

I’ve shared here on SGL before that dealing with these migraines for over 10 years now has changed me – for better or worse, it has. It’s bound to, really.

What’s been plaguing me for quite a while is the sadness that comes with that fact – who I used to be was someone I liked well, overall. She was a bit too timid to try new things and lacking in self-confidence but I liked her.

The next thing that would naturally follow that thinking was ‘who would i be if i never had these migraines?’ Of course I’d like to believe that I would be some business owner ( go bakery!) by now, or perhaps high up in whatever other career I had chosen.

This is all fruitless wondering of course, because no one really knows where they would be had they taken a different path, one chosen or chosen for them.  So while I was ‘wool-gathering’ in this manner the other day, I had a thought that changed these questions for me.

Who was I?

Who am I now?

Who am I going to be because of who I am now?

See the difference? I tend to put so much weight on how these long years of blasted pain have affected me (in the negative) that anything I have learned gets shoved aside which I’m thinking is a good way to keep myself from doing any more growing. It’s hard to describe just what chronic pain does to you, I tried HERE,  and I am frequently wishing my OH could have known me before all these physical limitations that often leave me frustrated. But, I am so blessed despite these issues, and I have breaks where I am able to do some cleaning, working here on my blog, or writing on one of my multiple stories.

(Abby insists on attention no matter how I’m feeling)

Really the last two questions are the ones I want to think over and work toward the woman I want to be.

No matter what we wish – we know we can’t change the past but we can change the future by how we live today. While I may feel like giving up and just spending each and every day curled up on the couch, that’s not exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life, or even the precedent I want, when I hit some overwhelming obstacle. 

I am reading one of my favorite novels and last night I read this and knew I had to share it.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that no matter how much you wish, you can never change the past. The only thing you can do is change the present.”

So. I’m working on letting go of the past and what I wished for it. As for the present, my OH frequently tells me ‘ I don’t know what you’re expecting of yourself.” That might sound strange but it brings me back from whatever road I’m wandering down that leads to pity or frustration. If I have these physical restrictions, I shouldn’t be telling myself I can clean the house, walk the dogs, make dinner and who knows what else – all in one day. To you maybe that’s easy, a cinch, no problem and that’s awesome. I haven’t been able to do that much in a day in a long while, unless I push myself… and pay for it later….

Let me get back on track a little bit.

The past is, well, the past. And whether we like what it holds or not, we have got to let it go. Otherwise we can’t be fully here, in this moment. And we can’t point ourselves toward the future that we want either.

So, friends, keep your chins up and a smile on your face, but don’t be afraid to burrow under the covers for a good cry every once in a while. Just remember to come back out.

~Laura

(I resisted using an image of Elsa singing Let it Go….just so you know…)

Tags: chronic pain, pain, past, regret