Tag Archives: pain

The Tears of My Heart

12 May

This is a post that I wrote in 2016 that I decided needed to be dusted off and shared again.


I found this in my drafts folder earlier this week and decided that it is ready to be shared. While I now have a diagnosis and somewhat-of-a-plan for a cure, these feelings do so frequently overwhelm me and I once again, have to remind myself of the unfailing love of my Saviour.


I feel the tears fill my eyes. One by one they drop to my cheek, and follow the curve down to my chin. Drip. Drip. Drip. I reach up to wipe them away, but what’s this? My cheek is dry, as are my eyes. As I rub my fingers together I realize the tears are not outside, but in. It is inside that is aching. Longing. Crying. But these tears cannot be wiped away so easily with a delicate handkerchief or manicured nails. These require connection, vulnerability and love. Confession of the heart is of the utmost importance if one wants to heal it. But what do I have to confess?

Anger. Frustration. Hurt. All over seemingly-unanswered prayer. Anger that this pain has inhibited 10 years of my life. Frustration that a cure remains beyond my grasp. Hurt that I cannot go on as those around me – event after event.

But this type of contemplation only brings tears that fall onto my cheek. Tears that will need to be wiped away before they fall from my trembling chin. It would be better, rather, to focus on getting through the pain. Accepting my limitations and counting the many blessings I am surrounded with.  So, while the aching inside me continues, I will work to let Him heal it. For I, on my own, cannot heal such a hurt. Even while the tears threaten to overflow my eyes, I will lift my face to the sun and praise Him who has made me and sustained me and blessed me beyond measure.

“Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me. 

Bless His holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits,

who forgives your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good,

so that your youth is renewed like the eagles wings.”

Psalm 103:1-5

*If you have or are struggling with unanswered prayer I encourage you to keep faith! Continue asking and seeking the Lord. His answer might not be the one you (or I) want but His plan far surpasses any plan we can invent. He is the author of everything, give your pain and struggles to Him daily. He can handle them.




If you’re interested in some more posts on pain, check out How much more will Chronic Illness steal from me? ,  Chronic Illness Silence   and Encouragement for living with Chronic Illness

That time I took Excedrin

27 Feb



Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash

I sit here with tremors running through me. My feet are freezing, but I’m burning up. A migraine is trying to come back and my stomachs roiling, causing nausea. I just want to sleep but there’s no way to relax enough when my body’s freaking out like this.

the cause?

I ran out of prescription pain pills and had to take excedrin tension headache. Caffeine is not my friend. In this moment, I’m not really sure if the pain relief was worth it.

This is my life – deciding which pain I’d rather deal with.

And let me tell you, I hate that fact.

~~~I wrote this a year ago, and never came back to finish it. Perhaps I just needed to get these words out. But I decided to share them with you today in part to remind myself to never ever take Excedrin again.

And to say that if you ever find yourself up in the middle of the night with pain keeping you awake, I know what you’re going through. And if you want to chat about it, or books, or food, or anything, drop me a line. I’d love to talk with you!

Truth for the Chronic Pain-er

9 Feb

This is me…



For some more laughs at the expense of our pain-ness, check out my pinterest board, and then go enjoy that sunshine!


Letting go and Moving on

28 Dec

I’ve shared here on SGL before that dealing with these migraines for over 10 years now has changed me – for better or worse, it has. It’s bound to, really.

What’s been plaguing me for quite a while is the sadness that comes with that fact – who I used to be was someone I liked well, overall. She was a bit too timid to try new things and lacking in self-confidence but I liked her.


The next thing that would naturally follow that thinking was ‘who would i be if i never had these migraines?’ Of course I’d like to believe that I would be some business owner ( go bakery!) by now, or perhaps high up in whatever other career I had chosen.

This is all fruitless wondering of course, because no one really knows where they would be had they taken a different path, one chosen or chosen for them.  So while I was ‘wool-gathering’ in this manner the other day, I had a thought that changed these questions for me.

Who was I?

Who am I now?

Who am I going to be because of who I am now?

See the difference? I tend to put so much weight on how these long years of blasted pain have affected me (in the negative) that anything I have learned gets shoved aside which I’m thinking is a good way to keep myself from doing any more growing. It’s hard to describe just what chronic pain does to you, I tried HERE,  and I am frequently wishing my OH could have known me before all these physical limitations that often leave me frustrated. But, I am so blessed despite these issues, and I have breaks where I am able to do some cleaning, working here on my blog, or writing on one of my multiple stories.

(Abby insists on attention no matter how I’m feeling)

Really the last two questions are the ones I want to think over and work toward the woman I want to be.

No matter what we wish – we know we can’t change the past but we can change the future by how we live today. While I may feel like giving up and just spending each and every day curled up on the couch, that’s not exactly how I want to spend the rest of my life, or even the precedent I want, when I hit some overwhelming obstacle. 


I am reading one of my favorite novels and last night I read this and knew I had to share it.

“If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past year, it’s that no matter how much you wish, you can never change the past. The only thing you can do is change the present.”

So. I’m working on letting go of the past and what I wished for it. As for the present, my OH frequently tells me ‘ I don’t know what you’re expecting of yourself.” That might sound strange but it brings me back from whatever road I’m wandering down that leads to pity or frustration. If I have these physical restrictions, I shouldn’t be telling myself I can clean the house, walk the dogs, make dinner and who knows what else – all in one day. To you maybe that’s easy, a cinch, no problem and that’s awesome. I haven’t been able to do that much in a day in a long while, unless I push myself… and pay for it later….

Let me get back on track a little bit.

The past is, well, the past. And whether we like what it holds or not, we have got to let it go. Otherwise we can’t be fully here, in this moment. And we can’t point ourselves toward the future that we want either.



So, friends, keep your chins up and a smile on your face, but don’t be afraid to burrow under the covers for a good cry every once in a while. Just remember to come back out.


(I resisted using an image of Elsa singing Let it Go….just so you know…)

A Musing Maverick

Ilse Davison

Elaine Howlin

lost in the pages of books

See Jayne Run

Navigating with Chronic Illness in a Self Absorbed World

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