I try not to use SGL as a place to vent but i wrote this a few weeks ago and I keep feeling the need to share it here. Maybe it’ll help someone know they aren’t alone in their pain. Mom, get a box of kleenex, you’ll probably end up crying. Sorry.
It is a bit dis-jointed, but I’m going to type it here just like I wrote it:
“I want to yell and scream at the world, no, at the ever-ending, swirling, devouring Pain. The Pain that not only claws at me day and night but the equally absorbing exhaustion that pulls at my legs as if I had two ball and chains dragging around behind me; that weighs down my shoulders making me bend like a wizened old woman who has lived such a full life that her back has aged less gracefully than her spirit; it stiffens my hips and arms – the exhaustion is just as consuming as the Pain but for some reason it’s not talked about.
The reason for any of my sanity remaining lies in three places.God, family and friends, and Pain pills. The pills is the one that gnaws at me, the relief so wonderfully given, I fear, will come at a costly price and each day that goes by, I fear just what it will be. To get through a day means to take them, but what about the rest of my life?
A mind dragged through persistent, severe pain eventually starts falling. Falling to that which we all fear when we reach our later years. Falling to an ever-constant awareness of Pain past, present and future. To live in the moment becomes almost impossible. To be feeling well now means it is time to prepare for the Pain that is coming. Falling to the realization of broken hopes and shattered dreams. Falling to comparisons – between you and anyone healthy. Eventually the splintered mind will cordon itself off- just to raise its chances of survival.
This. This is the life of chronic Pain. It is not just the brutal Pain that vice grips my temples- but it’s the slow deterioration of everything else- all while tenaciously holding on to the life I long for.”
I would add to this, on the positive side, that I do lead a wonderful life – I have a sweet husband who supports and takes care of me, a dog that loves me despite never getting out for walks anymore and so many genuine friends, new and old. The problem lies in not being able to chase my dreams, or even keep my house clean and food made because of what my body is doing. It has begun shutting out so many things in my life that daily I worry what else is going to get pulled from my grasp.
So here’s to essential oils and herbs, prescription pain pills and netflix, video games and absorbing novels, heating pads and soft blankets – that make it all a little easier to bear.