After just having a little breakdown stemming from frustration and pain, I’ve come to a realization.
Chronic pain is kicking my butt. Going on 11 years now and while I know I have shared here on SGL about it, I try not to over-share. To be depressing and whatnot about the struggle I am going through – what’s slightly funny about that is that if we were to sit and talk, my health is something that comes up quite frequently. Shrug. Not sure what the difference is there, but there you go.
But, as I told a friend the other day, “I want my old self back, I want to be who I was that this pain has taken away.” Granted, I have learned a lot going through this. My faith is stronger. I have more of a ‘backbone’. I can empathize with people with other chronic illnesses. While I know there are other things that I have learned along this rock-strewn narrow dirt path, those are the main ones sticking out to me right now.
Sadly, the negatives are the ones echoing through my mind more lately. Hence the crying that just happened. I am so thankful for my sweet OH who knows how to comfort/console/encourage me all in a few words. I am so blessed. My Lord has kept His promise to me – so why is it so easy to get frustrated and beaten down?
Because I’m human. And all too aware of that fact.
This past week I had an open MRI and the people were amazing. If you’re in the Portland (oregon) area and need one, I highly suggest Open Advanced MRI in Gresham. They were professional and helped me through it so much. Due to faxing-issues and the weekend, I am still waiting on the results but have a phone consult scheduled with my doctor on Tuesday.
And what if it doesn’t show the reasons for this drastic decline in health? I don’t know. I am trying to leave that for when I have to worry about it. I have been struggling with hope so much lately, and adding that seems needless.
Anyway, about that realization I spoke of earlier. What with these migraines limiting me so much lately, I am going to back off on blogging for a time. I am so very sad about this, but since I am only posting about once a week already, I am giving myself permission to do just that – post when I can.
I am trying to get into a career writing – yay! – and with that on top of my health, I think that taking pressure off of myself about SGL will improve….. wow, i can’t even get this sentence out. You all know what I’m trying to say though, right? Even though the frequency of posting might not really change, the guilt/frustration will ease. So, while I’m sad about not being able to grow SGL in the way I had hoped right now (i had really wanted to get a giveaway set up for Valentine’s Day) , this is needed I think.
Please check out some of my past posts!! Share some of your favorite blogs with me. I get so excited every time you leave a comment – it just makes me happy that you took that time.
I will keep up the new series that I started, of course! I am loving it already and know the word for next month! (giggle-jump for -joy) and might even start working on it today for a-much-needed-encouragement!
Before I sign off, I want to brag on some dear friends who sent me the sweetest care package yesterday. Full of sweet surprises, I felt so very loved. Thank you so much!
~Laura Starr
the start of a good life 