Boundaries in Marriage tidbits

6 Aug

i am back! did ya miss me? hehe. i had a great time on my trip – and then turned and re-packed my bag the next day to join my hubby for the week. I decided that seeing him for one day out of about two weeks wasn’t all right with me! 

As I said, I had a wonderful time visiting my friend and her little girl (if you follow me on facebook, you’ve seen a loooot of photos of the little one!). While I was out, I stayed mostly off ‘social media’ as I had planned. I even refrained from approving and replying to comments here on my blog! that part was rather hard, I will admit. But because of being off everything, and traveling, I stopped writing the last week of nanowrimo. I am bummed that i only made it to 5,000 odd words, but I learned a lot and plan on picking up the proverbial pen again soon and getting back into my story! 

I also cut about six inches off my hair a few weeks ago. Yikes. It was fun and something I didn’t plan on doing but while I am glad I did it, I have decided it is too short for me. I love long hair. long – as in halfway (or more) down my back. Part of the reasoning for cutting it though, was that my OH and I are planning on moving to Portland, OR in the near future and I knew it would be easier to manage the transition from dry desert air to humid valley air. 

I am enjoying being a part of the Meaningful Marriage Study – Amberly over at Life with Amberly and Joe started the group. I love love love her blog – marriage is a passion of hers and she shares and spreads that through her blog (and now the marriage study!) I feel that if we were in the same town and were able to meet up over tea (or coffee hehe), i would come away feeling so uplifted and inspired! Check her blog out, I know you will love it.  

We are reading Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Here are some of the notes that I’ve taken through my reading so far. (just to whet your appetite)

Boundary – ownership where one person ends and the other begins.  – — to me, this means that just because you are married, you are still you and they are still them. You know, how in high school, you’d hear about a couple that did everything together and seemed to become as if they were one person instead of ,well, two? yeah. unhealthy, that. 

“Boundaries help us determine who is responsible for what .If we can see that the problem is our problem and that we are responsible for it, then we are in the drivers seat of change.”  — if we are willing to let go of our pride and see that our actions/attitude/whatnot are part of the problem, then we are able to work to fix it. we are not left sitting and waiting and wondering why nothing is changing.

“Responsibility takes action. ” —- ditto to what i said above. 

“Marriage is based on a love relationship deeply rooted in freedom” — i love the last four words ‘deeply rooted in freedom’ . you must feel free in the relationship, free to state your opinion, your wants, your desires. Love exists only where there is freedom.

photo courtesy of unsplash

photo courtesy of unsplash

“The Triangle of boundaries — Freedom – Responsibility – Love” – — each must be free to not react to each other, each must take responsibility of their own problems/issues/stuff and they love the other person no matter what. once again, love exists only where there is freedom.

Some quick examples of boundaries: 

  • Words
  • Truth (Eph. 4:25)
  • Consequences
  • Emotional Distance (Prov. 4:23 -only with a pure heart)
  • Physical Distance (Prov. 27:12)
  • Other People

I hope you have picked up a few things to mull over through these notes. I do have more but don’t want to overwhelm you… =) I am a big note taker (but let me know if you would like more highlights of the book and I’d be glad to share them!) I highly recommend this book and look forward to finishing reading it. 

36 Responses to “Boundaries in Marriage tidbits”

  1. alysssa August 6, 2014 at 3:36 pm #

    I’ve been looking at the Boundaries books recently, along with lots of other special books.

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 6, 2014 at 4:49 pm #

      it seems like my ‘to-read’ list just keeps getting longer =) thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  2. glutenfreezen August 6, 2014 at 7:01 pm #

    Happy to hear you enjoyed your visit with your friend. So nice to be able to take a little vacation!

    I’ve been with my husband for 26 years and I can say with absolute truth that boundaries are a significant part of staying married. Many young people think that love keeps everything together forever, but really, when it comes to staying together forever, there’s so much more to it. Marriage is a constant work in progress. Sometimes wonderful and sometimes not! First boundaries,then trust, support, being friends…so many important aspects to having a healthy relationship! I haven’t read the boundaries in marriage books, I’ll have to check that out! 🙂

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 8, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

      it is so good to hear advice from someone who’s been married for longer than me!! =) thank you for sharing – i always knew marriage would be work, but i think i never realized how emotionally vulnerable it requires you to be and how hard that can be sometimes!
      i think you’d enjoy the book – if you want I can invite you to the book study too! the discussions are great.

      Like

  3. Patricia August 6, 2014 at 7:31 pm #

    I love Cloud and Townsend. I’ve read Boundaries, Boundaries in Dating, and How People Grow. My fiancé also bought Boundaries in Marriage and we’re excited to dive into it when our time comes 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 8, 2014 at 11:50 am #

      how great! i wish i would have known about it when we were still engaged, it’s such a helpful book! Congrats on your engagement!!!

      Like

  4. Chelsea August 8, 2014 at 12:23 pm #

    Totally agree! Just because you are in a relationship or married doesn’t mean you are now ONE person. You are still two individuals, you just work as a team.

    Like

  5. Jessica August 8, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    The section about boundaries reminded me of something. I’ve actually been reading a novel (Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail) and there was a chapter in which the author, Cheryl Strayed, goes to dinner with two couples and the author’s own husband doesn’t join them. Everyone was shocked and the two husbands expressed that they didn’t know that they could have a night alone to themselves. Strayed noted that balance in her marriage came from her and her husband spending some time apart occasionally and that it only made her marriage stronger. She didn’t own her husband, nor vice versa, and she couldn’t imagine their dichotomy being more perfect.

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 8, 2014 at 4:22 pm #

      it is so true!!! time alone is vital for everyone, whether they realize it or not! thanks for sharing! (i might have to check that book out now!!)

      Like

  6. Brooklyn Jolley August 8, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    I love Amberly, she’s so great! And I’ve been meaning to look into this book more!

    Like

  7. Deidre✌️ (@lovetheskinnys) August 8, 2014 at 9:24 pm #

    This is something we have really taken the time to manage. While we learn to love each other’s hobbies we keep them as our own passion and just support each other.

    Like

  8. Carrie August 9, 2014 at 6:48 am #

    I love this! I’ve seen the book but never read it. I’ve read tons of others though. I guess when I think boundaries I always associate that with young dating couples. I will definitely check that out though. Right now my husband and I are doing a study together called love and respect. Very good. 🙂 I am so blessed that my marriage is rooted in the one that gives life.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Taneja's Bride August 9, 2014 at 12:02 pm #

    I love this because everyone should always keep their individuality EVEN when they get into a relationship or marriage. You have to continue to grow as a person, only then will you grow as a team! ❤

    Like

  10. estherjulee August 9, 2014 at 1:46 pm #

    You’re moving to portland? That’s exciting! We have family that live there. Having boundaries in marriage is an interesting concept. I think in general I am too good at setting boundaries that I maybe need to work on allowing people in instead.. Including my husband. 🙂

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 10, 2014 at 9:52 am #

      i used to be the opposite of you, i use the word ‘doormat’ to describe. i have worked at getting better over the years, but it’s still my default. always growing, always learning!

      Like

  11. Songbirds & Buttons (@KendallRayburn) August 9, 2014 at 5:42 pm #

    Marriage is definitely a two person job. I hate when people think that just because you’re married means you’re one person!

    Like

  12. Lindsay August 9, 2014 at 9:11 pm #

    Sounds like a great visit with your friend! And I bet you feel so much lighter with this 6 inches cut off!!! I am in need for a hair cut 🙂

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 10, 2014 at 9:53 am #

      i am actually kind of sad i cut it! i miss my long hair. ha. it was fun to do and i’m glad i was ‘brave’ enough to cut it but i’m ready to grow it out already!

      Like

  13. kireilauriel August 9, 2014 at 9:53 pm #

    ‘boundaries’ is such an interesting way of framing individuality in a relationship. I think it’s only because my initial thought of a boundary is something that typically prevents easy traversal beyond it. I think I would term it ‘self-definition’ or ‘self-delineation’ – something that describes the shape of an individual, but yet that still invites the presence of others to come within.

    Anyway, it’s just semantics… I totally agree with the core philosophies. 🙂 Always good to be aware of that in a partnership!

    ~ lauriel

    EyeForElegance.com

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 10, 2014 at 9:55 am #

      i think that can be the hard part, is having a ‘line drawn in the sand’ but still open and willing to let people get close to you. =)

      Like

  14. Crystal C August 10, 2014 at 5:47 am #

    Congrats on your engagement! I love this post, its so great

    Like

  15. Neely (@Neelykins) August 10, 2014 at 7:57 am #

    Getting married in two months and this was great to read. Thanks for posting!

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 10, 2014 at 9:56 am #

      congrats!!! i’m so glad you enjoyed it. I definitely recommend this book!

      Like

    • booksnbakery August 12, 2014 at 2:27 pm #

      congratulations on your upcoming wedding!! eek! so exciting!

      Like

  16. glamorouslymommy August 10, 2014 at 5:09 pm #

    Congrats! Boundaries are always a good thing to set. Great post.

    Like

  17. Bekkie - Lipstick & Lullabies August 10, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

    I love getting my hair cut, hope it helps with your transition!

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 12, 2014 at 2:28 pm #

      i’m hoping so too! ha. right now it seems to always be up in a mini ponytail, i think i’m going to have to get to my pinterest board of short hairstyles to try some out =)

      Like

  18. Jordan August 11, 2014 at 1:50 pm #

    Love Amberly, she really is too cute about love and marriage! This was a great post, and welcome back!

    Like

  19. teamwiking August 11, 2014 at 10:14 pm #

    Glad you had fun on your trip. I love when you said that love only exists with freedom. It’s so true.

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 12, 2014 at 2:29 pm #

      it is! and how often people don’t realize/forget this fact. it makes me sad when i see it but also realize how blessed i am with to have a husband that also knows this fact!

      Like

  20. Betsy Gettis August 12, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    i love Amberly & her blog! this is a great post….boundaries in relationships are so important!!

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 13, 2014 at 9:43 am #

      boundaries are so very important! It is interesting to look at the couples relationships around me. i don’t think i really ever did that until i got married!

      Like

  21. cam | bibs and baubles August 17, 2014 at 7:13 pm #

    I love “love exists only where there is freedom”. There’s so much truth there.

    Like

    • booksnbakery August 17, 2014 at 9:35 pm #

      isn’t it though? I think it is something we all need on a sticky note somewhere in our house. just as a reminder. =)

      Like

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  1. Book Review – August 2014 | thestartofagoodlife - August 29, 2014

    […] – I am loving this marriage book that i am reading for the book study i’m a part of- ( Meaningful Marriage Study). I am finally in chapter 6 and think that I am liking it enough to buy instead of just renewing […]

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